The Guilt

There are so many emotions that I go through when it comes to living with autism and lately, guilt is the constant reoccurrence. When I sit down and think about what I’m feeling, guilt is something I keep coming back to, the one emotion which knocks me down time and time again. I’m always feeling guilty.

Guilty for taking Dylan away from his SEN (special educational needs) school where he had been since nursery.

Guilty for not being the best at home educating him for the last six months.

Guilty for sometimes not being as patient as I could be.

Guilty for the lack of effort I’ve made with the therapy I could do at home with him.

Guilty for not taking him swimming, something which he loves but I hate.

Guilty for the thoughts that I could not say aloud as they would horrify people.

Guilty that I’m not forking out the money for private therapy but instead playing the waiting game.

Guilty for not fighting harder to get him a school place once we moved.

Guilt towards the system here that I’ve moved somewhere new and expect the best for my son.

I really could go on and on, and I don’t just feel guilt with regards to Dylan; I also feel guilty with the rest of the family. Those moments when they need me, but I’m busy seeing to Dylan’s every need.

Towards his sister Charlotte who’s first year of life has been overshadowed by her brother’s autism, and if I’m honest, the whole of her life has been.

Towards Oli who has taken on the role of a carer at such a young age.

Towards the dog who hasn’t had as many walks as he used to because I can’t take him out for walks at the same time as Dylan.

Towards the Husband who has picked me up many times after my breakdowns,

But this guilt has to stop right now.

I have to stop feeling guilty for aspects of our lives which are out my control; I should not be carrying guilt when I’m carrying enough emotions. I already have that guilt which comes with being a parent, always knowing that there’s more you could and do and the what ifs, I don’t need to the guilt of being an autism mum on top of that. I need to let it go.