Deep down I know something is wrong, I always have done. I guess for the last several months I’ve put it aside as he started school and I hoped it was school that was needed which would improve things. And it did, his speech has come along so much, being in that group setting at school with teachers around him has helped more then what the speech therapist ever did. But there was still something underlying, the way Oli is, and it’s incredibly hard to put it into words and explain, only those closest to Oli will understand and see this. From the outside to anyone Oli is a normal boy but with speech issue which is improving more by the day that sometimes maybe even this isn’t that noticeable.
Something which has been more of a concern lately is his emotions and the way he can get attached to something. Examples being the other week where I woke to his cries, I assumed he had hurt himself and jumped straight out of bed and ran to his room as you do. Instead, he was stood there staring at a photo of him and Daddy at Dinosaur world; I thought he was crying because he wanted to go back there which I kinda understand. I feel the same way about living back by the beach. But that wasn’t why he was crying no it was about the shoes he was wearing. He was so very sad about the fact he no longer had these shoes, and he wanted his shoes back. I tried to explain to him that these shoes were no more because his feet had got too big, but he has plenty of lovely other shoes, which is true. That boy almost has more shoes than me and just a few days before he got a new pair of crocs for summer.
There was something so unnerving about this reaction and the way he was; it wasn’t right. I was off all day because of it, and I just had to speak to Oli’s teacher and see if he’s like this at school. She said he was but this wasn’t what concerned her, she had concerns about how quickly Oli can switch off from something. She seemed rather concerned about this and also explained how he and his best friend get split up because of how attached he is. Now I’m still confused about this, they’re not naughty and are never trouble together, and I need to go in and ask more about this as I came away confused. I think I’ll take Daddy with me so we can make sense of it together. She said that she would get someone to come in and see Oli, but I heard this before when trying to get help with Oli’s speech and understanding.
Last night we had something similar to the shoes, but with socks, he pointed out a hole in socks to me, so I said that they needed to go in the bin especially as they were too small for him. Instant hysterics, he was so sad and saying no, and when he took them off, he clutched them both to his face while hugging them. Thinking about it I could have turned into something positive like how we could make sock puppets out of them, but with the way, he reacted I don’t think even this would have calmed him down. I replied with how we can buy new socks, socks with his favourite characters on but this still didn’t prompt anything. The reaction was odd, very out of the ordinary and being on the other end I knew something wasn’t right. I know if I was to think to about it, I could probably give many more examples which would raise eyebrows.
He mentioned those socks this morning, he had been crying about them, and his eyes were puffy. I distracted him and then went off and cried. I became hysterical myself; this wasn’t right. I’m sure of it. My motherly instincts tell me there’s something going on. I felt lost, so very lost. Was it something I had done?! So much has gone through my head since am I making it seem a bigger deal then what it is? What if this increases and gets worse, what if it comes down to people and other things. I wanted help ASAP this morning; I wanted to know right away what was going on. If there’s something wrong then what?! What can I do? A few weeks ago I booked to see the health visitor but was told that Oli was too old now for her services. The school secretary gave me the school nurse number, but I’ve not been able to get an answer.
This morning I phoned the health visitor and broke down, I didn’t know who to ring. I didn’t want to phone my GP because he’s healthy, I didn’t want to waste time. I didn’t know what to do. She talked to me and explained how the school nurse was in the same building as her and how she’ll give her my number so that she can phone me. So here I am now, sat waiting for my phone to ring. Someone on twitter mentioned how it took them a few years before they received help and finally got a diagnosis because something was wrong. Is this my life now? Am I going to battling for help while knowing something is wrong, and there’s nothing I can do about it myself as long as I don’t know what it is?!