Before this pregnancy I had only ever heard of Post Natal Depression, I knew all about it as it was explained to me when I was pregnant with Oli. Told that it was something that every new mother could suffer from, even without a history of depression. What I wasn’t prepared for was to be told at 11 weeks with this pregnancy is that I, myself am suffering from post natal depression. This feels so foreign to me, even more so then the Hyperemesis Gravidarum that I’m also suffering with. I don’t know where to begin with describing to you how I’m feeling or how we (me and the doctor) came to the decision this is what I have.
I know it started very quickly after I fell pregnant. There was one week where just before we found out that we were expecting that I felt extremely low about myself, I briefly mentioned it in the post where I talked about being pregnant. I would stand sobbing in front of the mirror, and I didn’t feel at all comfortable in/with myself. I broke down at one point at the ironing board because the way my work uniform was ironing, it was ok thinking back to it but something bugged me. I didn’t go to work that evening; I was for some reason in an uncontrollable state. It did start to become a concern, but then we discovered I was pregnant and just put it down to the hormones and stuff that my body would have been producing.
Sadly it didn’t and hadn’t come to an end; it’s only got worse. I know the way I’ve been so ill with this pregnancy has not helped issues and the way I feel. What I have been extremely grateful for are the lovely doctors I have, from the one who was concerned about my low blood pressure to the doctor who bought me after breaking down on the phone to him. He really took the time to talk to me and talk about the way I am feeling. He helped me not to feel guilty about this diagnosis and promised to get me what help I need to get through this. I’ve been referred to a specialist, but with regards to taking anything in the form of a pill for this I’ve turned this option down. I’m at too early of a stage to be taking such meds. The doctor did phone me as I was on the way to visit family to say he’s been doing some research into what could be the safest for me and does have something in mind as a back up plan but we agreed to leave it until I’ve seen the specialist and see how I get over the next week.
I don’t know what to say about how I’m feeling; I guess it’s too personal to share right now. I suppose it’s just posted natal depression but without the baby in my arms, Until I get my head around it all, I’ll just stick to moaning about this horrid morning sickness and the way that makes me feel. Just please say there is someone else out there who felt this way in pregnancy and can give me that much-needed light at the end of the tunnel.