It all got too much for us a couple of weeks ago, and it all came crashing down like a thunderstorm. Only it did not affect anyone else in our street, town or life. No, it only affected the people inside our house. This dark cloud that has been with us knowingly for the last eight months burst and out came the thunder and rain.
I thought I could take shelter from the storm in the local supermarket only it stayed with me. As I stood looking at the cheese, drops fell to the floor. Only it was not rain but my tears. I was crying as it all hit me at once right there in the cheese aisle and I just did not know what to do.
My marriage seemed to of suddenly reached a breaking point and the one person I am meant to be able to turn to when I am struggling was also struggling. He has always been terrible at communicating, and I am pretty sure I not the best listener around. We were clashing, clashing when we needed each other the most when our family needed us to be strong and know what we are doing. Only when I think about it that is the problem, we do not know what we are doing or what to do any more.
Dylan’s autism seems to be changing with age, and recently he has turned to lashing out as his frustration increases. We have gone from swooning over our sweet baby boy to wanting to hide from our 3 year old who hits out. Now he is getting older and still cannot talk he has to use other methods to tell us what he wants. He chucks his drink cup when he wants another drink, and he will grab our hand and drag us to where he wants to go which is mostly the kitchen for food.
His newest thing is constantly picking his nose until it bleeds, another body fluid which he gets sensory satisfaction from and on top of the constant poo smearing this is all rather testing. We are holding on and clinging to the fact he starts pre-school at the local SEN school in a months time. We are hoping they will give us answers, solutions and guidance. I have chucked so much faith into this but what else can I do? No one but other autism parents understands exactly what we are going through even though we do not know what are going through.
The only thing I have at the moment is this space to ramble on. To virtually SHOUT into and cry as I talk about our struggles with Autism. As I write about how our family are struggling with this huge curveball in our lives.