When It Gets Overwhelming

Sometimes it isn’t Dylan himself which is overwhelming but talking about it can be just as emotional and exhausting. Yesterday was one of those days; it mostly revolved around Dylan and whatever is going on with him. You know I still feel like a fraud using the word ‘autism’ even though this is where it is all pointing to and what we are basing all we need to help him on. We had our Health Visitor coming round that morning, was meant to be Charlotte’s 9-12 months check up, but she said she would like to see Dylan as well. Safe to say Charlotte was not discussed I think she kinda got the gist with how I feel about this kind of check-ups when I declined a weigh-in for her. But as the HV said she looks perfectly fine, and of course she is, and I think that was it for catching up on Charlotte.

It was the second time we have seen her after the initial visit where we discussed Dylan’s nursery report and everyone’s concerns. It just basically a catch up to what we have done since, how we have seen the paediatrician and most recently the speech therapist. We told her about the group we go to at the local SEN school and how it is currently being discussed how he might get a nursery place there. She asked us if we had looked into DLA and we produced the application forms which we had got after being recommended by many to do so; I was hoping she would fill in the part which needed filling by someone that sees Dylan but that buck was passed once again. That whole form may have to be a separate blog post.


She left with letting us know if there is anything we need, any recommendation for anywhere for anything then to let her know. I asked if there is anything more we could be doing, but apparently, we already are. We just sat waiting for appointments to come through and attending what we can and then putting into place everything we have learnt and know. I guess so far I cannot fault the help we have got to date, I know we may have a wait for appointments to come about but I have heard of longer waiting times around the country. After she had left came the postman with which there was a letter from the speech therapist who summed up our first session and had a communication plan along with some targets.

The afternoon involved a new ASD/Aspergers group we had discovered at our local children’s centre, so we popped along to that after we had collected Oli from school. As we were waiting for this, we were cornered by one of Dylan’s old nursery teachers who hadn’t got a record of the phone call we had made to say Dylan wouldn’t be coming back. I phoned as it was easier and less of a painful stab knowing that our plan didn’t exactly go as it was meant to of gone. I was passed this envelope which contained stuff like his invoices and some of the observations they noted in his time there but got me was his peg photo. That was a painful stab, that was an ouchie moment which of course brought the tears. It was an instant reminder of what should have been, how if Dylan was a ‘normal’ boy then this photo will still be above a peg in a nursery where he would be attending, making friends and doing all the things you do at a nursery. The photos are one of my favourites, I took it during the holidays, and it was one of those rare moments where I captured him looking at the camera while at the park.


Of course, what is normal? Is anyone normal but I hope you know what I mean when I say that. I would not change the way Dylan is, he is perfect and has the most amazing little personality. He has shown us that you do not need to talk to be able to communicate and show love. I like to think I handle everything well and despite having the occasional wobble, I put it aside, and we do what we can. It was nice to then go into a room where I am with adults who understand, parents who also have children where normal is a different kind of normal for us. There were two other parents with their children who were older than Dylan which pleased Oli, and he spent most the session outside playing with these boys. Dylan enjoyed playing with the mud and did some painting with it, reminding me I need to sort our homemade mud kitchen our for him (God bless Pinterest!)

By the time I had got home, I felt drained and exhausted, and I feel guilty for saying it now, but I just could not wait to get the freezer tea over and done with and the kids in bed so I could crawl into my bed. It felt like too much for one day; it was overwhelming.