The day I hit 38 weeks started early for me, I was awake with Braxton hicks from 5.30am onwards, I just couldn’t sleep and doing the school run was something straight out of a zombie film. I’m not quite sure how I did it. That morning my Midwife phoned me just to check in and check all was ok as she had just come back from holiday. Talked about how I’ll be seeing the consultant on Thursday & that I’ll see her on the following Monday at her clinic.
Thursday came about, the day of the growth scan & consultant appointment and if you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know exactly how these appointments have been going. How I’ve been coming away from each of them deflated and recently, going against what the consultant has been suggesting. She wanted me to plan to give birth at the hospital where as I still felt it right to continue with my homebirth plans.
Growth scan was the first appointment before we saw her. Now we arrived at the time we were booked but upon arrival was told our appointment was 45 minutes later and that we would have our consultant appointment before. As I pointed out to the receptionist, that would be a pointless exercise as my consultant wanted to see the results of the scan. So we slotted in between whoever had appointments next.
We were scanned. The scan result wasn’t good. It showed baby girl had dipped below her little line she had carved.
I cried. I knew EXACTLY what the consultant was going to say about this.
Sitting waiting to see her seemed to of lasted a lifetime, I was so emotional. I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I needed to stop; I didn’t want my consultant to see me like that. I wanted to be strong. So our baby was still on the small side, I had read enough & done my homework to know that this wasn’t necessarily a problem. The man & I didn’t talk about it as much as we did. He knew what I was thinking/feeling, and I knew the same about him.
Going into her room, she started with those exact words she said last time. ‘You’re not going to like what I have to say‘, and she was right, I didn’t. She launched straight into how she would like me to be induced ASAP & that she would like to give me a sweep right there & then. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of that room, out of that hospital and back home which is what I did. I said no, didn’t play ball when she asked why I was declining. I was told to give it some thought to if I would let my Midwife sweep me on Monday and told to come back for a doppler scan in a week. I wasn’t even escorted to the desk by some student to book that scan; I think the consultant thought I was going to do a runner.
I got the man to drop me off before he went and picked Oli up from his friend’s house. I needed some fresh air & to walk home, though processing anything wasn’t happening. I got straight in & went to bed where I curled up in a ball. When the man saw me, I knew he didn’t quite know what to say. Gosh, I didn’t even know what to say.
It basically boiled down to if we wanted to continue with our plan or if we should listen to medical advice.
I text my midwife, who phoned me back and said she was coming straight over. She already knew what was happening; the consultant had already spoken to her. The midwife said she was going to get in contact with me the next day and was going to give me some space, but then obviously I contacted her. She went with what the consultant was saying, those guidelines that they all like to follow. Deflation had woke, I handed myself over and went along with what they said. The midwife gave me a sweep right there and then, told me my waters could have easily been broken then. Which gave me hope that baby might come naturally in the next 24 hours. I was booked in for an induction the next day at 2 pm.
From the moment we agreed to go into hospital we had pretty much-launched battle stations to get everything ready. Things we were planning to do in the next couple of days, were done asap. The Moses basket was taken out its box and set up next to the side of my bed, the car seat was also taken out its box and set up in newborn mode, and bags were starting to be packed. The man & I took a late night trip to Tesco’s; we bought snack bars, energy drinks, travel size toiletries. We bought some baby clothes; we got a tiny baby outfit just in case. I couldn’t find any baby hats though; this panicked me. Our neighbours came to the rescue with one for us. They also bought us our first baby gift, that made it seem real. We were having a baby in the next day or so.
Thursday night, sleep wasn’t to be had. By the time I had fallen into bed, my head was just one big whirl. I wasn’t ready physically or mentally for any of this. At 3 am, I posted our baby girl a letter.
I needed to write this post, my last pregnancy diary entry. Week 38, the last week I was pregnant.
The week I lost my bump but gained my baby.
I’m yet to process anything.
Everything is still a blur.
It was my due date yesterday, but baby girl will be two weeks old tomorrow.
Today I think the baby blues are lurking. I dont know how to process that.