I’m More Nervous This Time Around

At the same time as being more relaxed, I’m more relaxed in the knowledge that I’ve done this twice already and came through shining. By shining I mean I have two beautiful boys to show for it. That knowledge reassure me, but I’m still somehow a bag of nerves, I feel like the next few months will be spent sat on the edge of my chair. Why am I feeling like this? Why am I nervous all of a sudden?

What I’m more nervous about this around is the waiting game, the growing of the baby and simply waiting for D-day where I can finally see and hold her for myself. Since that bleed at 16 weeks, it’s knocked my pregnancy confidence in a way I never thought possible. I’ve never really given thought before to ‘what if something was to happen’ during pregnancy, even with my first pregnancy and how unknown all that was. That unexplained pain I experienced with him, which we later found out to be gallstones. Even during that I never thought something bad could happen. I remember on one particularly painful day where I was rolling around and screaming in agony; they gave me a steroid shot to mature his lungs just in case he was to be delivered. We never did find out it was gallstones until the month after he was born. Fear of anything happening didn’t even grip me then; I felt more in control than how I’m feeling right now.

I’m not in any pain; everything is going as smoothly as it could do. I finally seem to have my wish granted of a straightforward pregnancy. I don’t even think I’ll get harassed over baby’s growth seeing as I’ve already given birth to two healthy children. I believe that they’ve finally realised what I’ve been telling them all along, that I simply carry my children in my back. Safe to say my kid’s rock at hiding & seek.

I guess with each pregnancy I’ve matured with growth and knowledge; I know more about what can go wrong, I’ve read and seen for myself what happens when pregnancy doesn’t go as straightforward as one could hope for. My confidence for pregnancy has gone right out the window; I’m on edge, and I seem to spend my mornings and nights waiting for her reassuring kicks to let me know she’s ok. I’m willing for March to be here, so I know I’ve done the job right, that my baby has safely been delivered into the world. I’ve never been one to wish my pregnancy away before, and I know how important all this time is for them to develop. There’s something about her being our last child and completing our family; I just want her sat at the table with us right now. I want to wrap her in cotton wool already, and yet she’s already wrapped in the safest place for her.