I’ve been a wreck today. Like sobbing wreck, screaming wreck, excited wreck and every other kind of wreck you can imagine. I’m back sat staring into space again; I guess that’s why I’ve opened up the laptop to blog. I guess putting this down helps in a way. Though I know this time would be much better-spent wrapping presents and hanging banners.
From the moment I woke up I knew today was going to be one of those days, the morning part seems a blur. I had a driving lesson which was the worst hour of my life, and I’m pretty sure my instructors. As much as he reassured me that it was ok, I couldn’t help but to feel like a letdown. Though he is somehow tuned to how I work as I was sucking at driving around, so he made me reverse around corners. Chucking me into that deep end kicked whatever was playing me up out of my mind.
Coming back I seemed to of got myself into a state, midwife phoned to confirm that she was coming this afternoon with my home birthing kit. I somehow went into super tidy mode and freaked out at the man until he too became a tidy freak. I know my hormones were playing up, that poor man of mine. I don’t think he ever wants to hear the words ‘hormones’ after this baby arrives. Him and Oli had some kind of messing around where I freaked out at both of them and had a little breakdown. The man made the mistake of telling me to pull myself together, yeah I think he rather quickly regretted that. I actually shut myself in the bathroom and left them to it, think they both realised then that today is just one of those days and left me to cleaning the bathroom.
I was still quite weepy when my midwife arrived, and as the man pointed out after she had left, he could see me fighting back the tears. I really did want to break down and tell her I couldn’t cope anymore with the pressure on my lower tummy and the pain in my back. I didn’t want her to think I couldn’t cope, because I know I can, but I’m just finding it so overwhelming/difficult right now. Why am I feeling this way? I’ve done it all before, so this should just be a breeze. I say breeze, I mean not quite a walk in the park but something I can just do, because I’ve already done it.
Spent the late afternoon buying furniture, doing the food shop and hunting out birthday balloons and last minute presents for Oli. He’s three tomorrow, maybe this on top of everything else right now is taking its toll. I am SO very excited about his birthday; we had a family get together yesterday to celebrate as it’s the man’s birthday on Thursday. So tomorrow we’re just chilling together as a family of 3, we’re hoping the weather will be much nicer so that we can do our Easter Egg hunt in the garden and the fact that most of Oli’s birthday presents are outdoors toys, the weather really needs to be kind to us tomorrow.
Of course, maybe realising I’m going to be a mother to a three year tomorrow and sometime soon a new born might be what had me in the toilets of Tesco’s sobbing. Though this could equally be for the fact, they had NOTHING on the shelves, and a group of managers weren’t really in a rush to get out of our way when battling with a heavy trolley. See this is why I do my food shopping online, crying in my own toilet would have been much better. The toilet roll is much softer.
Coming home and seeing the birthing kit and opening the lid to have a peek had me smiling but then I think this hasn’t helped the way I’ve been feeling today. It’s made it even more real then it’s felt so far. Here’s this box full of labour and baby stuff ready to be used when the baby decided the time is right. The midwives coming out with things like ‘we’ll see you next Tuesday unless we see you sooner’ doesn’t help. Makes it even more real, curse them. I know he’s getting himself ready, I feel that head down there and the waddle is almost perfected.
Maybe I should take the man’s advice and pull myself together, maybe that’s the kind of words I need to stop me from feeling this way. That and this bar of chocolate I have sat next to the laptop.